Define.

November 30^th 2009

 

So I read the book Dear John by Nicholas sparks the other night. In one sitting yes. And It was a tad depressing… but it made me think about the different types of love…well two types to be exact.

 

1. The always forgiving, I-just-want-you-to-be-happy-no-matter-what-pain-it-causes-me love. “I’ll do what is right for you, not us, just you, even if it means giving you up” love. Protective, loyal, unrelenting, settling, I’m at home, reliable, content type of love. The “I’ll always love you until the day I die,” love.

 

2. Then, there’s the other type—the passionate, raw, emotional love. Whirlwind, I’ll –die-without-you-in-my-life type of love, “I need you to breath,” “I can’t live without you,” “I don’t want to even think about living without you,” obsessive, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-no-matter-what, everything reminds me of you, breath taking, earth shaking, butterflies in stomach, pure, real, deep, love.

 

The thing is, in the book the love that ended up ‘winning’ was the first type…and to me it was confusing…Why didn’t the other type work…Did she just settle for something reliable, because she couldn’t stand the pain of waiting for the second to come around again?? Obviously the second type still existed [between her and John,] but she chose another man & they had the first type…WHY!? How often does that raw passionate type of love even come around, so when it does, shouldn’t you hold onto it for all you are worth? Or is that too much to ask when happiness with the other type is within your grasp… Can you possibly have both types of love with a person? I’d like to think so, but I have a feeling it’s rare.

 

Then I started thinking—well which one do I want? Am I willing to wait for the second type of love, but risk missing out on a perfectly happy life with the first? Or am I willing to settle, but risk missing out on raw emotional passionate take my breath away love? AH!

 

I know I want that butterfly-on-top-of-the-world-I’m-invincible feeling but doesn’t everyone? On the other hand, its nice to have the plain simple happy love, the one you know will ALWAYS be there for you, no matter what…

 

Or maybe I’m wrong all together for trying to define and compact love into these terms and guidelines (of sorts). Just adds to the ever confusing journey… We all want love and someone to share our best moments with, who will comfort us at our worst, who we can do the same for…

Clarification.

I write reality. Its going to be honest, no apologies. 

"If you don't want songs written about you, then don't do mean things" -taylor swift

And that is the reason so many people love her music. She writes and sings without holding back. She's not afraid to express herself. People can relate to her because everyone has those feelings or moments but sometimes don't want to admit it, or say anything about it. I'm not one of those people, and I wish I could sing so that I could do the same buuut I can't so I'm gonna stick to writing :)

This should sum up why I post and why I never sensor my feelings. If you don't like it, then that's really too bad--you must not like me though because its who I am inside, represented as words on paper (or blog screen lol). 

And no matter what I'm never gonna quit.

best friends

march 29, 2007

So this is dedicated to my best friend Emma. I am so thankful for her, for sure, she has stuck by me through everything and anything and has been a true friend, the one that hasn't held my mistakes against me. We have been through..ALOT..no joke, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Both of us, mostly me actually, have made a lot of mistakes in the past years, but no matter what we're able to overcome them and learn from them and be there for each other.
 We met back in 8th grade..Valdez, basketball game.. and oh-my-goodness...I remeber thinking she was the most RANDOM person ever..because we were sitting there, I was all intensely watching the game (you kno how i am) and Emma was course, telling me stories, thenOUT OF NOWHERE she goes, I HAVE A SESAME STREET BANDAID! (or dora bandaid, I forget, but the point is..she had a bandaid. hahaha). and I was thinking "wow, who is this girl?" Because I seriously did not know her... hahaha.. but this was the beginning.. After that trip we didnt really hang out until the summer when the Justice League was formed in Tori's backyard tent. hahaha metamucil!!! righton. lol good times that year.. then Freshman year..and now sophomore year we have become closer than ever. (We even look alike :P)
I don't think theres anything that could tear us apart...because we've already been through rocky patches..and I mean ROCKY..but no matter what mistakes we make, we have ALWAYS come back to each other and are able to talk it through and its made us closer than anyone... She's one of the few I trust nowadays, and man-o-man I can tell her ANYTHING.. fo sho... right when something good happens she's tha first ta know..most def. no doubt. and shoot we're able to talk without talking... and in code..oh man in code! hehe ebflos and febflos, and the big red button, bird watching, we're always on the same wavelength too...uhm two on one..YAH! hahahaha gosh. Plus we always have fun, no doubt. We FIND a way to have fun... if that means singing along to britney spears then we're going all out an singing it with curling iron mics! and she's my mirror...(hahaha word dawg). but still we also keep each other in line..and got each others back At all times.
Most importantly I will ALWAYS be here for her through heartaches,stomaches, parental rampages,friend crisis, rainy days lol cus sorry, not getting rid of me THAT EASILY hehe yuh know.. cuase I luuuuub you (hand signal) lol


And oh man, This be fo My otha bestest friend, Kristine..better known as Tine Tine.. (I dno why, but that nickname stuck for me:P) yes.. soo memories with this kid... dayum.. She is the reason I am just oh so cool lol jk but really, back in tha day...when I first moved back here, I pretty much had no friends. Maybe a couple here...or there.. but Kristine, she was the nicest person flippin EVER! till she got mad at me for switchin out of all her classes! hehe not my fault...stupid math .lol. but wow. Kristine always, I dno I JUST love her, she always makes me smile, or laugh or giggle..or cough..hahahaha {dude that one day she pushed me in the back and I couldnt stop coughin WOW thought I was gna die}! I love this girl... flippin' shes so baaaadass, she once took me erin AND michelle all at once... we didn't stand a chance.. this is the girl that I KNOW won't let me down, and we've been through quite a bit of heartaches and changes, but yuhknow we still stuck it out, and we're pretty much tight as heck now. I wouldn't want anyother person by my side rockin out to emo. And I know I can count on her.. haha I freakin love how she's a total suckup to, its just so funny,  hahaha {research paper ger} haha and callin my dad the next president and helping clean up dishes.. gah.. Most of all I admire how she always seems to just be..HERSELF...Kristine, I never feel like I have to hide around her, I can just let loose and be myself. fo sho. we got some great memories I'LL neva forget..hahaha and we still got more to come soCHECK IT! Love you kristiney!

Agent Laura

july 26, 2007

Friends come and go" as sad as that statement is...its true. But theres an exception and that is that BEST friends..stay with you until the end, whatever that end may be. 
I have been lucky with friends...but I have TRULY been blessed with a couple of BEST friends. The ones that stick withcha. 
One of my Best friends, is Laura griffin. and LEMME TELL YUH, I know for a fact that she and I are gna be friends.. sorry BEST friends for a very long time! We've been through a lot together, basketball drama boys school.. hahaha memores.. such as history class, making fun of nick.. and how the world SUCKS and the US is mean.. those STUPID review games, which by the way NEVER got me ready for the test...but ALWAYS ended up with me and Laura with two desks btwn us because I suck at writing fast and I usually dont have the answer correct either, but i might add that SHE cannot spell..!! (aisa) haha then basketball...I remember after one frustrating game sitting there for what was like an hour and half on those blue benches complaining and venting to her.. not too many people can sit there and listen to me when im that frustrated, but she sat there and actually CARED. 
of course then theres our crazy weird side... agents... we are agents..and harry potter nerds..and lotr geeks.. and we WORRY alot.. (but its becuase we care alright? lol) sigh then hahaha THAT STUPID POINT LESS MOVIE THAT I THINK RUINED YOUR CAREER KIRSTIN DUNST...we actually SAT there and watched it..it was one of those it was SO bad u had to see what happened next..oh man and tha State game not updating fast enough..woo but laura was there through it all with a paper bag ready so i could breathe. :) (an our dreams...THEY DONT COME TRUE ...hahahahaha) 
anyways
Sometimes you label friends. you're best friends and it turns out in the end that you really were only just friends... but then theres the few that you just KNOW that you're gna be best friends till the end.. Laura is one of the ones that i KNOW will be my best friend.. She doesn't judge me from my mistakes, if i make one she'll tell me but its always in a way that I know she's with me no matter what Decisions i make, and I've found that , that quality in a friend, the quality of relentless friendship and love no matter what is something that i TRULY appreciate and its really what makes a friend a BEST friends.. like me n laura!

bday rap to me by brockli

happy birthday 
i mean happy birdday 
cuz ur just too damn fly
Freshest to hit the planet since '90(nine, oh) and  i aint gotta lie
shit this girl i mean lady just turned 19
man her looks are outta space, but i still see you fine thing ;)
SHORT hair dashing whites
when she talks its like flashing lights
this is the kind of girl you spend time with on ravishing nights
i believe she likes chinese lol, so u can find her savaging rice
if you had her and lost her shame on you for not managing right
cuz this girl gonna go far, she gonna be livin that lavish life.

thank you brockli!

high school days

Sept 7, 2009

This is another old one I wrote, right before graduation....interesting reading about it now that I am in college. Some of the fears are still present. New fears have arisen. Some disappeared. People have come and gone...or just left. and it all began a few months ago, all these changes. craziness.

I've always heard people talk about their senior year, but I never understood those feelings, i thought i did, but i really didnt until now..&& i know thats something everyone goes through, but damn its crazy!!....

 i cannot believe that we are about to graduate, and be grown. i cannot believe that soon I will not be relying on my parents, that i am going to have to transition into relying just on myself. Maybe i'm a little behind in that aspect, i haven't really had to rely solely on myself...i've always had my parents...of course they will always be there, but now...its mainly up to me. weird.

 && a family of my own? woah what? yeah thats not in the immediate future, but its closer than it was yesterday!! 

that is a weird feeling.

and i'll never again take a class at eielson, never again will have a locker, or ask to go to the restroom, or be told by mr fink that my shorts are too short!! oh the freedom.

but wow. im going to miss highschool. the sports, and the friends, and being together...sigh. especially the sports teams... all our memories... i cannot believe that i had my last volleyball season, basketball season, and now softball season. what the heck? what happened?!.

i feel like im ten still.

oldies

sept 7, 2009

Some old thoughts. But these are still very much true today.

explain how people have so much influence over another.

how one persons actions or inactions affect others so profoundly.

why? why do we allow people to affect us in negative ways.

why do we feel like shit on days when we are beginning fresh.

i'll tell you why..

because we care too much when others care too little

how is that bad though? Caring about someone. when and what is the point in which you should just stop caring? how many times do you have to get hurt before it sinks in that you are failing at getting through...your caring means nothing.

but should you just stop caring ...i dont know... i've believed no you should never stop caring about people lately. I just don't know.

i keep holding on

Monday night Talks.

august 24, 2009

So I had a heart to heart with my mom and dad today. It was very revealing. I mean I have talked to my parents before but I never really analyzed what type of people they are, what their views are on life, and how they see things...I was always too busy worrying about myself, or wanting to be heard. 

My dad had some interesting things that he talked about. Like when I was talking about how I don't care about how much I get paid in my job, I really ultimately just want a job that I will wake up in the morning excited for. A job I won't dread. And he made a good point by saying that we make the job the job we dread...no matter what we do in life, how hard or how "boring" it is, its how we make of it. We choose to dread the job or to look forward to it. Or if other people complain about the job you are more likely to join in and then start believing it is a horrible job. He was like, we don't appreciate what we have, we all would rather sit here and complain about how hard life is, complain about what we don't have, complain about other people, when really we have everything we need and we are doing better than most. We all look and see the grass is greener on the other side, and its this vicious cycle, because we get to the other side and all we do is look back and go "hey I actually did enjoy that life, I actually was having a good time, I actually did have what I wanted and needed" then we just dwell in our regret. We tend to always look back and think wow I was happy, but at that time that we look back on we didn't realize we were happy, until its gone.

 I mean I know all of this has been said before and that all of this has been written about, but I have never heard my dad talk about things like this, and it makes it more significant hearing it from him. Probably because I don't often get to hear my dad just talk as if he doesn't know the answer, he wasn't trying to give me advice, or ask me about my day, or whatever, he was trying to figure life out just like I'm trying to figure out life...and I realized that I don't really humanize my parents...I mean I know they are humans duh but I forget they have dreams, that they aren't so sure of themselves either, they don't have all the answers...I really respect and love them for that, that they have done such a good job of parenting that I feel like they are all-knowing and unbeatable...and it makes talks like this that much more meaningful... It makes me feel safe, and not as scared, because if people like them can be unsure and can wonder about the same things that I'm confused about and that I am trying to figure out, I don't feel so stupid or lost or confused... 

It's nice to have someone older to talk to about things like this, people that have been there already been through high school and college, and to hear them say that even though people have changed, generations have changed, we all pretty much are the same, we all need and desire the same things..we all ponder life... we all make mistakes, even the best of us... and again I've heard these things before, I mean most of them are cliches...but to hear things like that, stories about their lives that prove that...it puts meaning to the words.

Saturday.

Greater Love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. -John 15:13 NIV

There is No fear in love. But perfect Love drives out fear, because Fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1John 4:18

Yah. I'm gonna Fight for This.

august 20, 2009

When do you fight for what you want/believe/love..when's the point you should surrender, if ever..

I have such a hard time letting things go by, letting things just happen...is it a control thing? i don't know. I see it as I don't like giving up. I don't like giving in. I always want to fight for what I believe in, what I want, what I need, the things and people I love...but sometimes I just don't know if I should, if it is the right thing to do. because I know most the time other people are involved and what if my fighting and perseverance and determination screws up their happiness or their advancement? what if fighting for all this makes things worse, not for me but for others? 

I do not like letting negative grow or go unsolved. Maybe it is OCD, I have to fix the problem, I always have to make things right...how is that bad though? Other than worrying about things I do not have to worry about...but I CARE! 
this is frustrating. my thoughts in circles...everything is complicated...I knew that though. I just wish that I could know for a fact what some people were thinking
I want what is best for me but I want whats best for those I love & those are conflicting wants at the moment...

but you know what..not fighting is worse. Not taking a stand is worse. Hating is worse. (duh) I'm not going to just stand by when I could reach out & let those I love know it! No matter what you do to me...I'm going to be there...no matter how bad you hurt me, I'm always gonna be there...yeah I'm that girl that cares no matter what horrible things you do, so what? I care.

I guess I just want my friends my family, those I Love to know that I will always fight for them...you may not believe it or ostensibly see it, but I always am..always will. I just want the best for them. I'll Always be here. to talk, to confide in, to be with.

but sometimes.. just sometimes..I need a response, a hint, a sign, reach out...tell me it is okay that I am fighting for these things, for you, for love, for friendship, for belief...

and one day I really hope that Someone fights as hard for me as I do for them...
until then, I'm definitely not just gonna give up.

Bless my Life. And Yours

august 20, 2009

Times like these that grow slowly

making me miss the days when we could smile.

Together the time really did fly

and then it would stop, as we sat alone.

The two of us.

The distance grew but my heart stayed the same.

Painful reality is revealed by friends,

and the things I was oblivious to

are uncovered and you are exposed.

The liar and the cheater.

I believed in you, defended you.

Everything I had went into you...

Regret? Never.

All I did I did out of the feelings that you instilled,

just wish that it was returned.

Moving on is not impossible.

opening and trusting again might be.

Funny how you would still get the chance.

Chance after chances, what would they be called?

Maybe an apology or acknowledgment

of the destruction caused by your actions.

Welcomed and forgiven. Forever.

Always will be.

Just take the first step 

I promise it won't be easy but it is what is right.

Belonging, safety, warmth, its here.

Just realize and believe once more. 

Sequel

august 13, 2009

I said hold onto the moments... but sometimes holding onto those moments cause you to miss out on the current moment & you're stuck trying to relive the past. The trick is to find the solution--hold onto the memories while you move on and create more. 

I haven't quite figured out how to stop missing old times or how to remember them and cherish them but still focus more on the present. Its hard when the past was when I was completely happy..but I gotta keep reminding myself that there's more to come.

Also, I realized that its bad to go back on the things you said or did in the past. Even to wish you could go back and change those things. No matter how stupid I feel now, at the time when I say something or do something especially out of love, I meant it, so instead of denying it or beating myself up because I want to change it, I just have to own up, acknowledge that yes I said that, yes I did that and YES I meant it! So what! if now I wouldn't say those things or do those things? I have no control so there's no use wishing I could change it. Besides, like I said I meant the things I did and said--all the plans I made, all the hopeful thinking, I meant it; things change and "shit happens" don't get stuck trying to change it or regretting it.

I'm content with knowing that the people I love will get everything I have and I'll mean everything I say...definitely not going to change that. :)

Moments of Happiness

august 11, 209

it's when moments of happiness begin to fade, when you realize things. you realize what you had, what you should have held onto, and what you are thankful for or appreciate. And during this time of realization, it may be tough, sad, or depressing, but it is necessary. This is when you are given the chance to look back for a second, correct your footing, and begin again--either begin fresh or continue the same way you were headed. choices choices choices..We are all given the choice! Do I give up or keep going? Do I change my outlook on life or do I remain the same? And once you make the choice you move out of the darkness and experience happiness once more. happiness is always within reach. Always. you just have to choose.

Hold onto the moments. The ones that take your breath away. The ones that stop you in your tracks, and make you question. Hold onto memories and good times with friends, family, loves. Don't waste a moment hating someone or regretting. Live. Bask in happiness yet be prepared for sadness and darkness, but know that the light is just around the corner all you have to do is keep going...

Brock's Rap

august 9, 2009

One of Brock's amazing raps :)

BECKA!

ha well no intro needed butt this is for miss Rebecca Warren
lookn on the court but cant find her? just find the one whose score'n
when hangn with her, things can never reach the status: Bore'n
her beauty is out of this world, yes i swear its foreign 
yeahhh yall make it rain butt she keeps it pourin'
makin plans and instantly for shore'n(forsure)
pretty smile and her eyes are just adorin' 
dressed fresh, shes sharp like thore-en(thorn)
the great convos "ifs, yeahs, *lots of laughs*"
she is a winner so you wont see her in the place of last
shit time flies by lemme reflect on the past
ha like when i asked her out at our very last dance
then ended a week later like shit i blew my chance aha
everyday she gets prettier with each and every glance
she walks by and i promise 12 dudes and a even a few females just jizzed their pants
ahahahahaha 
but man ive known her since i was Jr high toddler
this girl is a looker i swear she could be quite the modeler (mod-ler)
i remem she would try and steal my hat but ha i always caught her
basketball beast cuz im the one who taught her
haha just kidding but at every sport she really is fuckn baller
lol but not at beer pong
ha thats right games on ;)

Monday Night Thoughts

August 3, 2009

all this is on my mind. Gotta get it out. Care to read my thoughts?

Do you ever wonder if your everyday words affect people? It is scary...because I definitely hope that the things I say impact those around me but at the same time what if it is a negative impact? What if what I say totally ruins someone's day? Or makes them feel like a failure...then again what if that is just what they need to hear? To light a fire under them so that they change their lives around? I guess in wondering all this I can only hope that I do impact people, change them for the better. And if its not an immediate change for the better, I can live with that...as long as my words count for something. And thinking about this really teaches me a lesson. To be careful what I talk about, to whom I talk about certain things, and what I say...you really don't know who is listening. Who is learning from you or looking to you for guidance.

One of my deepest fears is that I let someone down. That their image of me is shattered by something I do or say...Then again this might teach them, we are all the same. We are human. None of us are perfect. It is cliche, I know...but nonetheless, true. Everyday is full of choices and mistakes. Its inevitable. So why not forgive those of their mistakes...because I bet you have made the same, at one point in your life, and if you haven't I bet you will and then you will look back and go wow I did the exact same thing so-and-so did and I treated them like shit for it...

I have learned to forgive. I forgive because I make the same mistakes everyone else does...we all have reasons for our choices. It's hard not to judge someone for them though, at first, but I want to make it a point to not judge anymore. To forgive. To love. And just be the best possible person I can be. 

I aim for perfection. I know its unattainable...but if I shoot for perfection I'll end up pretty well off don't ya think?

I think we all search for meaning. We don't necessarily think about it all the time, "today I am still searching for meaning," but its just something that is always there, unsaid, unthought, but present. pushing us through each day. I don't know what I am meant to do here.What my life is intended for, but I definitely plan on making the best of what I have...again this goes back to living my life fully, to forgive, to love, etc. I just hate seeing people so lost...so unsure of themselves...I mean I'm unsure, but I don't feel lost...I know for certain that love is real, and that I am here, alive for a reason. Maybe there was a point where I felt lost, actually okay there WAS a point where I felt lost, alone, desperate.(how could i forget?)...its so weird how during that time, I felt like that's all i knew, but now I feel like I never felt lost before...how interesting...how things change. I don't know the point of all this..hmm I am writing all this in a blog because I wish I had someone to share this with, my thoughts and feelings...so I decide to share with everyone who reads this :) Maybe my words will have an impact on you, as far as relateability (sp?)...believe me when I say you are not alone in how you are feeling. If you are happy, sad, depressed, angry...you are never alone!

this is my favorite bible verse, eh more like passage..

(Romans 12 NIV)

.... so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I'll Be okay. Is that What You wanted me to say.

july 26, 2009

Life is about love. 

yes you will at some point in your life be heartbroken, and the whole world will feel like it is ending. You'll feel like you can't breath, can't move. You won't have a will to carry on.It might be the lowest point in your life..but eventually the tears will stop. I promise you. You won't stop breathing. The sky did not come crashing down.

You feel the pain because YOU ARE ALIVE! 

Pain...well is pain. it hurts. No one wants to hurt but everyone wants to fall in love. Some/most people are so scared of getting hurt that they miss out on love and they end up making some pretty crappy decisions. I understand its hard to find hope in the darkness...I have been there. I am there. yet I have a blind hope in love. I know it. I know its worth it I know it exists. I know i'll find it. I know I have found it. I just want everyone to be able to have the same hope. And I feel bad for those who don't believe love is worth it. They don't believe the risk is worth the pain. I have been hurt. I have had my heartbroken in the worse way & I thought I was never going to recover...but I realized that I am still here. I didn't explode into a thousand pieces when he broke my heart. I'm alive and I still believe in love. And mayb I won't find my soulmate. but I WILL have love. friendship family, those are all types of love and they are just as powerful and important. Love, in all its shapes, is the most precious thing. Its what we live for or should live for... 

sometimes we spend so much time searching for something in particular that we miss out on the things we already have.

take time to forgive, to acknowledge your chance at life, never give up on love. Take a risk. Overcome your fear and open your heart. Cherish each moment with friends and  family. the pain, the heartache, the work, the effort, the energy, the fall its all worth it. 

I would take another week. Even though I know each time ends the same.