Becka's Writing

Poetry. Reality. Emotions. Truth. Clarity. Just trying to make sense out of everyday life.

Monday, February 15, 2010

collapsing poem

Collapsing Poem

The woman stands on the front steps, sobbing.
The man stays just inside the house,
leaning against the doorjamb. It's late, a wet
fog has left a sheer film over the windows
of cars along the street. The woman is drunk.
She begs the man, but he won't let her in.
Say it matters what happened between them;
say you can't judge whose fault this all is,
given the lack of context, given your own failures
with those you meant most to love.
Or maybe you don't care about them yet.
Maybe you need some way
to put yourself in this scene, some minor detail
that will make them seem so read you try to enter
this page to keep them from doing
to each other what you've done to someone,
somewhere: think about that for a minute,
while she keeps crying, and he speaks
in a voice so measured and calm he might be
talking to a child frightened by something
perfectly usual: darkness, thunder,
the coldness of the human heart.
But she's not listening, because now
she's hitting him, beating her fists against the chest
she laid her head on so many nights.
And by now, if you've been moved, it's because
you're thinking with regret the person 
this poem set out to remind you of,
and what you want more than anything is what
the man i the poem wants: for her to shut up.
And if you could only drive down that street
and emerge from the fog, maybe you
could get her to stop, but I can't do it.
All I can do is stand at that open door
making things worse. That's my talent,
that's why this poem won't get finished unless
you drag me from it, away from that man;
for Christ's sake, hurry, just pull up and keep
the motor running and take me wherever you're going.

-Kim Addonizio

Monday, November 30, 2009

Define.

November 30th 2009

 

So I read the book Dear John by Nicholas sparks the other night. In one sitting yes. And It was a tad depressing… but it made me think about the different types of love…well two types to be exact.

 

  1. The always forgiving, I-just-want-you-to-be-happy-no-matter-what-pain-it-causes-me love. “I’ll do what is right for you, not us, just you, even if it means giving you up” love. Protective, loyal, unrelenting, settling, I’m at home, reliable, content type of love. The “I’ll always love you until the day I die,” love.

 

  1. Then, there’s the other type—the passionate, raw, emotional love. Whirlwind, I’ll –die-without-you-in-my-life type of love, “I need you to breath,” “I can’t live without you,” “I don’t want to even think about living without you,” obsessive, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you-no-matter-what, everything reminds me of you, breath taking, earth shaking, butterflies in stomach, pure, real, deep, love.

 

The thing is, in the book the love that ended up ‘winning’ was the first type…and to me it was confusing…Why didn’t the other type work…Did she just settle for something reliable, because she couldn’t stand the pain of waiting for the second to come around again?? Obviously the second type still existed [between her and John,] but she chose another man & they had the first type…WHY!? How often does that raw passionate type of love even come around, so when it does, shouldn’t you hold onto it for all you are worth? Or is that too much to ask when happiness with the other type is within your grasp… Can you possibly have both types of love with a person? I’d like to think so, but I have a feeling it’s rare.

 

Then I started thinking—well which one do I want? Am I willing to wait for the second type of love, but risk missing out on a perfectly happy life with the first? Or am I willing to settle, but risk missing out on raw emotional passionate take my breath away love? AH!

 

I know I want that butterfly-on-top-of-the-world-I’m-invincible feeling but doesn’t everyone? On the other hand, its nice to have the plain simple happy love, the one you know will ALWAYS be there for you, no matter what…

 

Or maybe I’m wrong all together for trying to define and compact love into these terms and guidelines (of sorts). Just adds to the ever confusing journey… We all want love and someone to share our best moments with, who will comfort us at our worst, who we can do the same for…

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Clarification.

I write reality. Its going to be honest, no apologies. 

"If you don't want songs written about you, then don't do mean things" -taylor swift

And that is the reason so many people love her music. She writes and sings without holding back. She's not afraid to express herself. People can relate to her because everyone has those feelings or moments but sometimes don't want to admit it, or say anything about it. I'm not one of those people, and I wish I could sing so that I could do the same buuut I can't so I'm gonna stick to writing :)

This should sum up why I post and why I never sensor my feelings. If you don't like it, then that's really too bad--you must not like me though because its who I am inside, represented as words on paper (or blog screen lol). 

And no matter what I'm never gonna quit.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

best friends

march 29, 2007

So this is dedicated to my best friend Emma. I am so thankful for her, for sure, she has stuck by me through everything and anything and has been a true friend, the one that hasn't held my mistakes against me. We have been through..ALOT..no joke, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Both of us, mostly me actually, have made a lot of mistakes in the past years, but no matter what we're able to overcome them and learn from them and be there for each other.
 We met back in 8th grade..Valdez, basketball game.. and oh-my-goodness...I remeber thinking she was the most RANDOM person ever..because we were sitting there, I was all intensely watching the game (you kno how i am) and Emma was course, telling me stories, thenOUT OF NOWHERE she goes, I HAVE A SESAME STREET BANDAID! (or dora bandaid, I forget, but the point is..she had a bandaid. hahaha). and I was thinking "wow, who is this girl?" Because I seriously did not know her... hahaha.. but this was the beginning.. After that trip we didnt really hang out until the summer when the Justice League was formed in Tori's backyard tent. hahaha metamucil!!! righton. lol good times that year.. then Freshman year..and now sophomore year we have become closer than ever. (We even look alike :P)
I don't think theres anything that could tear us apart...because we've already been through rocky patches..and I mean ROCKY..but no matter what mistakes we make, we have ALWAYS come back to each other and are able to talk it through and its made us closer than anyone... She's one of the few I trust nowadays, and man-o-man I can tell her ANYTHING.. fo sho... right when something good happens she's tha first ta know..most def. no doubt. and shoot we're able to talk without talking... and in code..oh man in code! hehe ebflos and febflos, and the big red button, bird watching, we're always on the same wavelength too...uhm two on one..YAH! hahahaha gosh. Plus we always have fun, no doubt. We FIND a way to have fun... if that means singing along to britney spears then we're going all out an singing it with curling iron mics! and she's my mirror...(hahaha word dawg). but still we also keep each other in line..and got each others back At all times.
Most importantly I will ALWAYS be here for her through heartaches,stomaches, parental rampages,friend crisis, rainy days lol cus sorry, not getting rid of me THAT EASILY hehe yuh know.. cuase I luuuuub you (hand signal) lol


And oh man, This be fo My otha bestest friend, Kristine..better known as Tine Tine.. (I dno why, but that nickname stuck for me:P) yes.. soo memories with this kid... dayum.. She is the reason I am just oh so cool lol jk but really, back in tha day...when I first moved back here, I pretty much had no friends. Maybe a couple here...or there.. but Kristine, she was the nicest person flippin EVER! till she got mad at me for switchin out of all her classes! hehe not my fault...stupid math .lol. but wow. Kristine always, I dno I JUST love her, she always makes me smile, or laugh or giggle..or cough..hahahaha {dude that one day she pushed me in the back and I couldnt stop coughin WOW thought I was gna die}! I love this girl... flippin' shes so baaaadass, she once took me erin AND michelle all at once... we didn't stand a chance.. this is the girl that I KNOW won't let me down, and we've been through quite a bit of heartaches and changes, but yuhknow we still stuck it out, and we're pretty much tight as heck now. I wouldn't want anyother person by my side rockin out to emo. And I know I can count on her.. haha I freakin love how she's a total suckup to, its just so funny,  hahaha {research paper ger} haha and callin my dad the next president and helping clean up dishes.. gah.. Most of all I admire how she always seems to just be..HERSELF...Kristine, I never feel like I have to hide around her, I can just let loose and be myself. fo sho. we got some great memories I'LL neva forget..hahaha and we still got more to come soCHECK ITLove you kristiney!

Agent Laura

july 26, 2007

Friends come and go"
 as sad as that statement is...its true. But theres an exception and that is that BEST friends..stay with you until the end, whatever that end may be. 
I have been lucky with friends...but I have TRULY been blessed with a couple of BEST friends. The ones that stick withcha. 
One of my Best friends, is Laura griffin. and LEMME TELL YUH, I know for a fact that she and I are gna be friends.. sorry BEST friends for a very long time! We've been through a lot together, basketball drama boys school.. hahaha memores.. such as history class, making fun of nick.. and how the world SUCKS and the US is mean.. those STUPID review games, which by the way NEVER got me ready for the test...but ALWAYS ended up with me and Laura with two desks btwn us because I suck at writing fast and I usually dont have the answer correct either, but i might add that SHE cannot spell..!! (aisa) haha then basketball...I remember after one frustrating game sitting there for what was like an hour and half on those blue benches complaining and venting to her.. not too many people can sit there and listen to me when im that frustrated, but she sat there and actually CARED. 
of course then theres our crazy weird side... agents... we are agents..and harry potter nerds..and lotr geeks.. and we WORRY alot.. (but its becuase we care alright? lol) sigh then hahaha THAT STUPID POINT LESS MOVIE THAT I THINK RUINED YOUR CAREER KIRSTIN DUNST...we actually SAT there and watched it..it was one of those it was SO bad u had to see what happened next..oh man and tha State game not updating fast enough..woo but laura was there through it all with a paper bag ready so i could breathe. :) (an our dreams...THEY DONT COME TRUE ...hahahahaha) 
anyways

Sometimes you label friends. you're best friends and it turns out in the end that you really were only just friends... but then theres the few that you just KNOW that you're gna be best friends till the end.. Laura is one of the ones that i KNOW will be my best friend.. She doesn't judge me from my mistakes, if i make one she'll tell me but its always in a way that I know she's with me no matter what Decisions i make, and I've found that , that quality in a friend, the quality of relentless friendship and love no matter what is something that i TRULY appreciate and its really what makes a friend a BEST friends.. like me n laura!

bday rap to me by brockli

happy birthday 
i mean happy birdday 
cuz ur just too damn fly
Freshest to hit the planet since '90(nine, oh) and  i aint gotta lie
shit this girl i mean lady just turned 19
man her looks are outta space, but i still see you fine thing ;)
SHORT hair dashing whites
when she talks its like flashing lights
this is the kind of girl you spend time with on ravishing nights
i believe she likes chinese lol, so u can find her savaging rice
if you had her and lost her shame on you for not managing right
cuz this girl gonna go far, she gonna be livin that lavish life.



thank you brockli!

high school days

Sept 7, 2009


This is another old one I wrote, right before graduation....interesting reading about it now that I am in college. Some of the fears are still present. New fears have arisen. Some disappeared. People have come and gone...or just left. and it all began a few months ago, all these changes. craziness.

I've always heard people talk about their senior year, but I never understood those feelings, i thought i did, but i really didnt until now..&& i know thats something everyone goes through, but damn its crazy!!....

 i cannot believe that we are about to graduate, and be grown. i cannot believe that soon I will not be relying on my parents, that i am going to have to transition into relying just on myself. Maybe i'm a little behind in that aspect, i haven't really had to rely solely on myself...i've always had my parents...of course they will always be there, but now...its mainly up to me. weird.

 && a family of my own? woah what? yeah thats not in the immediate future, but its closer than it was yesterday!! 

that is a weird feeling.

and i'll never again take a class at eielson, never again will have a locker, or ask to go to the restroom, or be told by mr fink that my shorts are too short!! oh the freedom.

but wow. im going to miss highschool. the sports, and the friends, and being together...sigh. especially the sports teams... all our memories... i cannot believe that i had my last volleyball season, basketball season, and now softball season. what the heck? what happened?!.

i feel like im ten still.